prioritizing myself for once!!

Helloo !!! A journal entry two days in a row?? You love to see it. Well, at least I do. <3

I feel INSPIRED to make another post today because I have had an EPIPHANY

I am no longer going to put my productivity over my own well being.

It’s so tiring and it’s gotten me absolutely nowhere except for a place of self hatred and flagellation.

And operating from a place of shame and guilt has paralyzed me from getting anything done anyways, so why continue?

I need to majorly overhaul the way I live my life.

I’ve been pushing my own needs to the side for, well a long time now, in favor of trying to do the “correct” things and being productive.

Who was gonna tell me that it’s truly not productive at all to punish yourself and ignore your needs in favor of getting things done lol????

It’s okay cause all is well that ends well, I know now !!!!!

It’s just that I had to go through the fuckin THICK OF IT once again to actually realize it.

All the other times I’ve hit rock bottom I was like in denial, I still felt the need to keep going and keep going no matter how I felt.

To be fair I kind of had to do that in the years since my mother’s passing. There wasn’t much space to crumble, I just had to keep going.

But then again that led to me being hospitalized in 2022 so it is clearly not a good strategy no matter how much I had to keep pushing.

I just was so unaware of any way to keep going besides just pushing it all down and pushing on.

I am a professional intellectualizer and compartmentalizer frfr.

I also believe, like I touched on in my last post, that I spend every day in a mild state of dissociation in order to keep myself from breaking.

But I think it’s time to let myself break and let it all flow out.

I need to finally feel my feelings in order to actually process them and let them pass.

It’s a necessary part of the healing journey that I have not embarked on yet at all.

I’m particularly excited to do all this in therapy once a week over the summer with my therapist.

I think we’re finally going to work on the unsteady foundations I have built my life upon, and fix things from the ground up.

And I’m so excited about that!

I’m ready for my “tower” moment, of letting everything fall in order for what’s important to remain.

Just like the card it’s dramatic, it’s messy, and it’s painful, but it’s worth it. So, so worth it.

I’m just ready for radical self love and self acceptance and self care. Just focusing on the self.

Cause for too long I’ve focused on all my worldly obligations and expectations and while that’s not all bad, I can’t ignore myself in the process.

So here I am! Ready to heal! In new and life changing ways!

It really is completely life changing for me to deal with things in this manner, I have been taught since childhood not to prioritize myself but to prioritize what others expect from me.

I was taught that my own feelings were unimportant, and I’ve carried that limiting belief with me my whole life.

So even with myself I did not feel safe to hold my feelings, feel them, and let them be. They were burdens on myself and on others, to be hidden and swept away.

But finally I think I am ready to stop and be with them, in all of their chaos and confusion.

I was helped to finally embrace this mindset with the lovely Doogsley today on twitch 🙂 She is an amazing tarot reader who offers readings on stream and private readings on her website!

Also can we just take a second to admire how whimsical her setup is??? It always makes me smile hehe

But this is her magical medley reading where she picks different mediums to guide the reading!

The only part from the reading you can’t see here is she picked up The Artist’s Way and read as portion of it.

My question for the reading was basically how I can properly care for myself on this healing journey.

The affirmation at the top absolutely touched me, “You deserve to give yourself tenderness, any time you wish.”

Just that bit of permission to be tender and soft with myself at any time is really validating.

It’s like reassurance that my choice is the right choice, that I do deserve this soft treatment I am prepared to give myself.

And I feel like intuition is so apt here as well!

I really need to lean away from planning, which I’m always focused on, and lean more into intuition and what FEELS good to me in the moment.

Her dice were super cool, I got waxing crescent, cup, 6, taurus, and mercury.

We dived into my birth chart after rolling the dice for some more personalized advice.

Something she said that resonated is treating taking care of myself like a full time job.

I feel like that totally works for me as someone who thrives more on structure and has been struggling since work has let out for the summer, I can focus on taking care of myself like it’s my job at the moment.

I loved what she read from The Artist’s Way, it started with “remember treating yourself like a precious object will make you strong.”

I love this. To me in the past, the only way to be strong was to ignore my own feelings and take care of outside obligations.

But this is validation that tending to myself is also strong and also worthy.

Because what I’ve focused on in the past isn’t even true strength, but instead stubbornness.

True strength is sitting with all the feelings, the good the bad and the ugly, and having the power to accept them and integrate them.

The reading in general just gave me permission to treat myself gently this summer.

That’s what I think I need is gentle and tender love and care.

For so long now I’ve treated myself with a roughness and callousness that is undeserved.

I don’t think I’ve ever inherently believed that I deserve softness.

But that’s enough of that.

I do deserve softness and tenderness and gentle handling.

It’s just going to take a lot of challenging my deep rooted subconscious beliefs.

Which is why I’m grateful I can partake in weekly therapy !!!

My therapist is lovely as well, so I’m just grateful to have her to work things through with.

But yeah, I just felt that this was blog post worthy because I’ve never done this before!

I’ve never prioritized healing over anything else, and I feel like now is a good time to do it with my summer off work.

So this is the summer of healing baybee!!!! The summer of self love!!!!!

I’m just gonna take things one day at a time and do my best to take care of myself in whatever way I need.

I hope that you do too! Take care of yourself! No matter what! You deserve good treatment!!!!

Take care !!!!! Buh byeee !!!