grief, love, and hope above all

Hello! Coming to you after this blog post is written. This is a very candid post about grief and hope. It mentions topics such as familial death and mentions suicidal ideation. If this is too uncomfortable for you to read right now then I encourage you to come back when you’re in a better headspace or to just leave this post with no guilt for not reading it. Take care of yourself above all! Love you much, Bunnie. <3

Hello my lovely blog it’s been a while !!!!

It’s been a slow day for me today

Which is fitting cause it’s been a pretty slow month for me as well

I won’t lie, February has been a rough one a lil bit !!!!

It’s just a bit of a rough month for me nowadays

which stinks because it’s my birthday month !!!!

But it’s a bit hard for me now because 6 days after my birthday is the anniversary of the passing of my mother.

And I noticed my seasonal depression worsening this month, which is why I haven’t been up to much, including updating this site.

I think it was my body feeling the grief more than I was consciously processing it to be honest with you.

But that’s okay, we have to sit and feel these things.

I love the saying that grief is love with nowhere to go, because I really do still have so much love for my mother.

And it’s just been building up for three years now since her passing so of course it’s going to give me a bit of a hard time, it’s natural.

I’m not mad at myself for grieving. I’m instead grateful that I can still express all this love I have to give to her.

I want to use all that love and channel it inwards towards myself and outwards into the world through my actions.

I want to share the love with everyone and help people feel loved and included.

That’s what I hope to do with my job working with children and hope to achieve through making content as well, is making a space where people feel seen.

it just feels like a life purpose kinda thing ya know?

I had a very good January at least which I am really grateful for.

I started this site and started old habits that I wanted to pick back up and did really good with them last month!

This month I fell off the wagon but I have to give myself grace since it is a difficult time for me.

So I’m not going to be too hard on myself for falling short, because progress is not linear.

I also believe that consistency is not in doing the same thing everyday, but in making the commitment to go again even when you fall off.

So I don’t have to tell myself lies and disparaging things about not being “consistent” or “disciplined.”

I’m human, and things are complicated and messy. Life is messy and gray. That’s okay.

Some months will be great, others won’t be. Some weeks will be great, others won’t be. Some days will be great, others won’t be. Such is life.

We have to embrace our bad days and our good days because experiencing the full range of emotions that comes with these changing times allows us to more fully appreciate when we are feeling good.

I know how grateful I am to be happy because I know how hard it is to feel sad.

And feeling sad isn’t bad or shameful.

It’s natural and it’s good for us to sit with and feel these feelings, and then allow them to pass.

Instead of constantly trying to intellectualize our feelings or push them down, as I’ve been known to do. No one is perfect.

These are all things I’m working on every day! It’s okay not to be “good” at it yet!

Practice makes perfect, and every moment you get is a new chance to start over and try again.

I love the idea that no day is ever ruined.

Every second is a new opportunity to pause and start anew.

Your month isn’t ruined, your week is not ruined, your day is not ruined.

You can choose to take that moment to take a deep breath and make the intentional choice to start all over again.

Take a shower and wash all the bad energy off if you need to. Go brew a cup of tea and stir away the bad thoughts. Anything to help you mentally reset.

And then, carry on. embrace the newness of that moment and be grateful that you don’t have to be stuck in those negative emotions. You get to start over. You get another shot.

And some days we won’t have the strength to start over, and that’s okay. Some days we just need to feel it.

We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t feel these things. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to feel.

I know sometimes it doesn’t feel okay. It feels bad and we feel broken.

But we aren’t broken, we’re just complicated.

Some days are filled with grief and some days are filled with laughter.

Some days are happy until a passing thought makes you burst out in tears. Some days are are sad until a memory makes you smile again.

This is all okay. We’ll all be okay. I promise that.

I always like to remember that if I don’t feel okay right now, than it’s not the end. Nothing will last forever, even our lowest and darkest moments.

Surely some of these times will last longer than we’d like, but just as as the waves crash onto the shore and recede each time, our dark days will inevitably turn brighter over time. I know a lot of the times we can’t see it happening.

It’s like we walked into a room with no windows in the middle of the night and were too tired to leave, unable to perceive the passing of time and the rising of the sun right outside the other side of the walls that confine us. Unable to even muster the energy to walk up to the door and let ourselves out.

But eventually, somehow, the sun rises, and there’s a sliver of light through the crack in the door. Reminding us it isn’t over yet. But some of us have our eyes closed so tight we don’t eve notice the light, we’re already convinced it’s going to be dark forever so there’s no point in opening our eyes once again.

But eventually that door will open and the light will shine brighter and brighter until we can even notice the change through our closed eyes and we finally open them, finally able to bask in that bright light through the open door. It might feel uncomfortable and too bright at first, it will take some adjusting. But the sun will always rise. The dark will always turn to light. We will always be okay.

I really hope whoever is reading this will believe me. Cause I know my past self would read this and think “that’s easy for them to say.” I was struggling with so much in my life that eventually I decided it was safer to close my eyes so tightly that all I see are the stars behind my eyelids instead of ever hoping for there to be light again. Even going so far as to shield my eyes with my hands so nothing could get through.

And in response to that I’d lovingly tell them that it isn’t keeping them safe, it’s keeping them stuck. Sure, it hurts to see the light just for it to be ripped away from you time after time. But when you decide to longer look for the light at all, you’ll be perpetually unaware of anything good around you. And that’s what will dig you out of that dark hole is attaching yourself to those good things.

For me for a long time maybe the only good thing was music. It wasn’t enough for me to climb to the surface but it was enough to keep me from falling any further down the dark hole in the ground. I remember many times I was ready to fall but instead turned to music to stay where I was. I’m grateful for that. Because I believe that love of music eventually honed my senses to pick up other good things around me.

Whether it was a show I liked or a pet I loved or someone I looked up to. Slowly I was able to accept helping hands to help me climb out of that hole. And after reaching the surface I can safely say I would never want to close my eyes so tightly ever again, no matter how much it hurts to keep them open. Because the pain that comes from keeping your eyes open means something. It means you’re still here to feel. You’re still here to fight.

When you aren’t willing to open your eyes you’re stuck in this limbo where nothing holds meaning. Everything feels meaningless because you’ve resigned to a life that isn’t a life at all. It’s a liminal existence where you’re unable to feel because you’ve numbed yourself so deeply. It’s like you’re in a coma, unaware of any signs of life happening around you.

Hmm, that hits home for me, The realization that it’s like a coma.

I used to wish to fall into a coma when I was a child. It was my suicidal ideation rearing it’s head before I was even aware that suicide was an option. Instead I would map out scenarios where if I just hit my head this exact way against this specific thing, I would fall into a coma. Then everything would change. Everyone around me would suddenly wake up and realize that I was important. That they loved me. That was my thought process as a young child who felt invisible.

So to realize that in my teenage years I was basically in a coma like state really hits me. Because that was never the solution. It was never the solution to go into a state where I couldn’t feel or do anything. It just kept me from seeing anything good that was happening around me, as my mind felt it was safer to stew in the misery than to venture out into even a single inch of hope.

But I have all the love in my heart for the child who wanted to die, and the teen who tried to die. They had so much thrust upon them that would be hard for me as an adult to handle. I love them and I thank them for giving me the chance to grow into who i am now, an adult who is willing to feel hope because hope is what keeps me going after all the seemingly endless heartache I have endured in my life. I know now that hope isn’t a lie, it’s a lifeline.

And I never could’ve gotten there without who I used to be. So I sincerely thank all past versions of me for never giving up despite every sign pointing to the end. I was inside them, deep down, with the knowledge that things would get better, so it’s like I was pulled by the invisible force of my future. Everything aligned to this current moment.

And things still aren’t perfect. Since my mother died I would say things are less than ideal. I still struggle greatly in different facets of life, but the difference is now that I choose to keep going and to keep holding on. Because I choose to believe that it isn’t over for me yet. That good things are just beyond the horizon. That the sun will rise again.

It’s been a long journey in my life learning to trust hope. To not fear it and abhor it. But I am so grateful that around my mid twenties I finally came around to it, because without it I never would’ve gotten through the passing of my mother.

It was through that seemingly hopeless event where I made the conscious decision to choose hope for my future because it was the only way I could keep holding on in the present. I would sit there, sobbing, just hoping and praying to the Universe that things will get better because I could not keep living the way things were.

And the Universe has delivered. Things are better now. I don’t constantly feel that crushing weight of despair. And that’s not to say I never feel it at all anymore. I have some fairly big roadblocks and hurdles in my life right now that seem impossible to push through, but I know that I will find a way. I know that eventually things will improve, I just have to trust. I have to hope. Because without hope I wouldn’t make it.

So I’m still struggling, and that’s okay. Because as long as I choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other it’s not over yet.

I will keep walking towards the horizon, towards my future that I believe will be great. I will keep walking.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, it turned into a bit of emotional word vomit but was nice to get off my chest. I hope it helped someone in some way. My wish for you is that you never lose hope, no matter how dark things get. Please never lose your light. <3