a crushing realization

hello, my dearest friends !!!! I have not touched this website in a very long time.

In fact, it was abandoned due to my return to work.

You see, I was doing so well over the last bit of summer, I finally started feeling happy and alive, and I thought it must just be my new meds!

But when I returned to work and immediately became the same stressed out, depressed, overstimulated husk of a human being that I once was, I realized it was something else.

I was happy because I wasn’t working.

I actually had time to exist! To work on myself! To just be!

It was a magical time indeed.

I didn’t realize that my mental state when working and not working would differ THAT drastically.

It led to the realization that I really need to apply for disability.

I gave it my all with working, I really have, and I finally feel ready to throw in the towel when I can and say my goodbyes.

You see, I’ve been told since I was like 17 when my mom was applying for disability that I could qualify too, but I did not want to go on disability before even attempting to work a real job.

And over the years my psychiatrist has brought up applying for disability but I wasn’t ready for reasons I will explain, but now I am finally ready.

That time is not now though. Unfortunately not.

Alas, the reality is that you need money saved up to apply for disability, as you are no longer able to work.

I have not one bit saved up currently.

I am working on it as soon as the new year hits, but so much of that money is going to be taken for me to last over the summer on unemployment.

So, once again, I will be starting at ground zero when the new school year comes.

But! There is hope! There is always hope.

I have applied for income based housing. It’s actually where I used to live in high school, but we moved out when I was 17 or 18.

So it has been a solid decade.

The waiting list is apparently over a year long, but I’m not in a huge hurry anyways.

I would like to move sooner than a year, but I also don’t want to move too soon lol.

The ideal time period would be the end of May or early June honestly.

That way I do not have to spend another summer in this house paying for rent I can no longer afford while on unemployment.

And I would be off work so I would have all the time in the world to get things ready to move and pack up all my belongings.

So I am hoping someone is wanting to move out of a one bedroom place in the summertime so I can move in.

We will do our best to manifest! As always!

I will be sad about leaving this house though.

It is actually the reason I referenced earlier as to why I refused to apply for disability any of the times my psychiatrist suggested it while I was deeply struggling.

No matter how bad I was struggling, I was not okay with leaving this house.

You see, this house costs basically a full biweekly paycheck each month.

But I love it here. I’ve lived here for a decade. I was here with my mom. It holds the last living traces of her presence. That is a lot to let go of.

But this year my mental health has gotten to such a dire state where I realized that holding onto this house is not worth me wanting to die.

What good is a house if you have no motivation to live while inside of it?

So I realized that I need to let go. That was a very hard decision I did not take lightly.

But I literally had a mental breakdown so bad in the beginning of October that I had my first panic attack in many many many months and was sobbing and hyperventilating while texting my sister asking her if she would be willing to house me so I could apply for disability.

If you know me, and you know my sense of pride and unwillingness to ask for help and appear vulnerable, openly admitting to having a breakdown and asking someone to extend an IMMENSE amount of help my way is not normal behavior. I was in crisis mode.

That is how bad it got. I was finally willing to push my pride aside and ask for help I desperately needed. I usually don’t even divulge details of my mental health to my family, the most I refer to it is when I have to ask my sister for a ride to the hospital when I need to be committed.

Now my sister has her own family, a lovely husband and kids, so they are unable to house me due to lack of space. Hence the application to income based housing.

It will be more difficult going through the disability process on my own, but income based housing was going to be my goal while on disability, so it makes sense to secure it beforehand anyways.

I was catastrophizing quite honestly while budgeting for this whole process because I want to be prepared and I was thinking I would have to work for another 2 school years to even have enough saved which is terrifying to me but my therapist yesterday said she is worried I am being too negative and not taking into account all the help I will be eligible for once I am not working. This is true, I definitely was not taking any of that into account.

She said she is going to look into getting me a case worker who can help me with all the details regarding applying for disability so that is really nice of her.

I think it will also be helpful to take a step back and consider the resources that will become available to me once I am no longer working that i do not currently qualify for due to making juuuuuuuust too much money. Which is laughable given my financial situation, but that’s another story.

One thing that was nice that came from my complete mental breakdown was getting to talk to the head person at my job and explain to her my thought process on where my head is at currently with my mental health and my plans for disability and all that.

She was totally supportive of all of it, even bringing up FMLA leave and how she would look into if we need to renew my paperwork so I could use it to get the time off I need to go to my mental health appointments or should I need it for future hospitalizations.

And another change that came in October is me having a new boss working above me, which makes me more hopeful for being able to last a bit longer that I thought I could.

My new boss is someone I am very friendly with and I know is a very honest and fair person, and she is just a breath of fresh air compared to who I used to work under, so I told the head of my job that that did give me hope for the future.

Because working under management you do not get along with or who does not support you or even respect you is completely and utterly soul sucking.

It makes the difficulties of the day to day of working with children so much harder to handle when you do not have proper supports to lean on and find support in.

Not to mention it’s just too much for me nowadays. Working with children while mentally ill and neurodivergent is something that never phased me in the beginning years of working where I do, but it has worn on me the past few years. It’s too much to do and also take care of myself.

It’s been 8 years so far, and I am proud to have made it that far. My psychiatrist is too. She has commented on how she was impressed I was able to hold down a job as long as I have, especially through the tragedy of losing my mother and other hardships.

So I have no qualms in quitting anymore. I had a good run.

As mentally checked out as I am, I am still trying my fucking hardest to make it through each day and give these children my best.

It is hard. It is so, so hard. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed so easily. I get so tired as soon as I get home. Yesterday I went to bed at 5 pm.

But I’m going to continue to try my hardest for these kids because they truly mean so much to me and I want to give them the world, it’s just that I’ve come to the realization that I can no longer effectively do that.

I’m not as patient as I once was. I’m not as bright and bubbly as I once was. Fuck, I’m not even as physically capable as I once was.

I don’t even mention the role my chronic pain takes in all this cause that is altogether less well documented so it will play less of a role in the disability process.

But it does affect me and my ability to do my job. I have no idea why it hurts to even pat a child to sleep but fuck does it hurt lol.

The job always has hurt my back and my arms and wrists and such, it’s just that I was willing to look past it before. It’s harder to cope with nowadays.

The sliver lining in all of this is winter break is coming up soon. I am so, so happy about that.

I get two weeks off in the end of December!!! Two! Whole! Weeks!!!!!

It is not nearly enough time for me to recuperate or fill up my cup, but dear god any time away from work is a blessing.

I am hoooooping to use it to clean, but I say that every year. I’m not going to hold myself to it if I end up not wanting to.

I will actually allow myself to rest if that is what I need most during that time. I’m tired of making myself feel bad.

My therapist helped me realize that I shutdown pretty badly when it comes to cleaning, like I just mentally shutdown like a trauma response to all the stress.

Because I was telling her how I get overwhelmed and then I just give up, and she questioned whether it was giving up or shutting down. That lit up a little lightbulb in my head that maybe she was right lol.

So I’m trying to be kinder to myself when it comes to cleaning.

You cannot hate yourself into change and you cannot shame yourself into productivity. It doesn’t work like that.

So until I can find a way to healthily build up that discipline and motivation, I’m just gonna stop beating myself up over every little thing.

It’s so tiring being your own worst enemy. I just want to be a refuge for myself.

So I have just been working on little habits and doing things I enjoy.

I’m still not good at actually doing my hobbies. I’m too tired all the time. But I’m at least thinking about it every day and making progress.

I even made myself a little habit tracker that I’m going to use in the new year, that I decided to start in December because why not.

As you can see, it’s been a rough past two days lol. Only reason hobby is even marked off for today is because I’m counting this blog as my hobby time hehe.

And as you can tell I am still struggling with basic self care tasks and chores.

Movement has only been checked off so much because of my walks to work or to the store and such on weekends. I’m not going to force myself to not count it as movement when it is an hour of me moving my body lol.

The last one is message, as in messaging people. I surprised myself with how well I was doing there but also multiple days it’s just me having a conversation with one person in particular but that’s enough for me as i am known to not message a single living soul a lot of the time.

So yeah, I’m doing my best. I even made my new years resolutions last month.

A pretty solid list. You’ll note that my language learning goal has shifted from Korean to Spanish, and that’s just because I really want to relearn Spanish, and think it will be a bit easier considering I’ve learned it once before. But we will see how that goes.

The point is, I’m trying to look to the future and keep myself focused on accomplishing little things.

With depression it’s so easy to be blinded to the present day with no hope for the future so I’m desperately holding onto any little bit of hope that bubbles up in my heart.

I want to stay hopeful. I want to be happy.

I don’t know when I will ever feel happy again. Hopefully at least next summer. I miss being happy so fucking badly.

On a brighter note, I am attempting to slowly gather single use electronics.

I now have an adorable pink mp3 player with bluetooth capabilities.

Adorable !!!!!!!!!! Ignore the heinous mousepad. I don’t wanna talk about it.

I am going to acquire a pink digital camera and, what I am most excited for, a pink and white 3ds xl.

I’m gonna mod that bad boy and load it up with so many cute games it’s not even FUNNY.

Point is, I’m trying to branch away from using my phone all of the time.

I feel like this mini computer in my pocket is just evil evil evil evil incarnate.

The real tea is that I need to somehow curb my youtube addiction, but I am so far unsure of how to do this.

What’s funny is during the summer I was using youtube way less. I was actually journaling and going on walks and creating my own videos and everything else.

But when I am so depressed and tired, all I have energy for is watching videos.

So I’ll give myself grace on the youtube addiction for now.

Oh, speaking of cute pink single use electronics, I HAVE A FREAKIN TAMAGOTCHI NOW.

I’m obsessed with this thing! It’s giving me so much dopamine! I love taking care of my tiny tiny creature!

my dear, sweet furawatchi!!!!!! i will protect her with my life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, that’s been a fun little break inserted into my days where I can just check in on it and play a lil game or two.

I’m seriously in love with it though. Highly highly recommend everyone buy tamagotchis and we can all be tama besties.

I’m even going to go to the craft store to buy a new cord and beads and charms to make the cutest wrist strap you’ve ever seen in your LIFE.

Will definitely update with pictures once I do so.

So yeah, hopefully the whole single use electronics+journal combo will help curb my current addictions and screentime. We can only hope.

I also just think it’s so much cooler to use the single use versions of things rather than your phone lmao.

So hopefully I can become a cool girlie hehehe.

Well, it’s actually PAST my bedtime (gasp!) because I’ve had so much fun writing this post, but I think this is a good spot to cut things off.

If you’re reading this, I sincerely hope you take the time to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, it’s what you deserve.

Take care!!!!!!!! <3333333